…In Relationship v. Religion

In my mind’s eye, I was standing in what would have been a meadow had it any grass, flowers, or other signs of life. The ground was nothing but the darkest of brownish, black dirt. There was nothing else there, and I thought it barren and dark. It represented all of my unfulfilled, seemingly impossible dreams, my disappointments, and the pains of being betrayed by those I trusted enough to share my vulnerable side. It was everything that was broken. It was everything that failed. It was a reminder of everything I failed to be and live up to. It was a desolate place. I could not see past several feet from where I stood. There was no need to see beyond that because my mind filled in the blanks, certifying that there was nothing but rolling hills of the same. The sun had not risen, but somehow, I could see enough to know there was no hope, no reason to be excited, no reason to dream, and no reason for my heart to beat faster.

Then, out of nowhere, I saw something. At least, I thought I saw something. My thoughts teetered between “It’s nothing,” “it could be something,” and “what if it is something”? In this vision, the Holy Spirit of God was encouraging me to look closer, so I got closer and closer until I got down on my hands and knees in the dirt to see. Still, there did not seem to be much. My past taught me to not get too excited because a letdown was not far behind, but my unshakeable curiosity kept me trying. Whether it was curiosity, hope, faith, or desperation that made me look closer, I allowed God’s encouragement to back me like the steady, reassuring hand of a solid parent who was keeping their child from falling. The closer I got, the more I was sure that something was there. If something was there, that something was hope. I held my breath…

I wanted to scratch at the dirt around it to uncover what could be there. At the same time, I was afraid that my efforts to uncover it would snuff it out, so I stayed there, staring, waiting, willing it to unearth and reveal itself.

(Stinking Thinking said, “Wouldn’t it be just like me to ruin a good thing by trying to make it happen?)

Several things started happening: The sun started rising ever so slightly on my left, casting light on the spot to help me better see. God’s presence was drawing closer to me, hovering on my right, and filling the atmosphere nearly to the point of tangibility. My restraint from crushing hope was matched by my will for whatever was there to fully surface. The yearning within me was so strong in the midst of uncertainty that I could feel God’s Holy Spirit within me interceding on my behalf (Romans 8:26), producing a low, steady hum like a mumbling of many waters moving collaboratively with purpose. As these prayers went forth, that something was revealed. It was the smallest part…of the top…of the tiniest sprout. Now, I do not know what my inner man (2nd Corinthians 4:16, also refer to Romans 8:26) was praying, but I knew business was being handled in the Spirit in a way that I could not handle it in the flesh! Taking it all in, all that remained was God’s presence, the light of a new day, the manifestation of hope in the form of a sprout in a wasteland, and I was back in front of the restroom mirror doing my hair.

All of this happened in an instant. It was like God took me to a place in the Spirit, showed me all of these things, allowed me to feel all of the emotions, and allowed me to change from hopelessness to hope because I dared to start talking to HIM and to pour out my feelings and thoughts to HIM (Psalm 145:18), all of which HE was and is already aware.

Side Note: One may ask, “Why do we need to talk to or pray to God when HE already knows everything?” Well, God wants a relationship with us. HE wants to hear from us and talk with us through HIS Word and through HIS Holy Spirit (Isaiah 65:24).

Back to reflecting on the vision: The prayers from my inner man’s intercession raised hope. God met me in a desolate place. I could not see hope at first. I could not see past my immediate space, the immediate space which was the pain of what I was experiencing. My head stayed down, and I could not see the light. All I saw was darkness, but God met me where I was and showed me what I did not know was there. Even in the midst of my suffering, HE showed me a reason to believe (Hebrews 11:1). Every time I think that I am done, that there is nothing left to salvage or work with, that there is no way out, that there is no way through, that I am going to die right here in my suffering, that I will never get it right, that no matter what I do it is never enough, that I am a screwup, that I have ruined my life, that it is too late for me to turn things around, that I cannot trust anyone, that I give up, and that I am sick of life and just wish I could start over and do things much better, God finds me…

And when HE finds me, HE acknowledges my pain. HE does not make me feel stupid for feeling the way that I do. HE does not attack me and ridicule me for not being strong enough. HE does not call me a hypocrite for falling short or holier than thou for getting back up again and telling people about HIM. HE does not remind me of every wrong thing I have ever done. HE does not throw my flaws in my face. HE does not treat me as if I am just going to mess up again. HE does not treat me as if I am the sum of my failures. HE does not belittle me or make it hard for me to get back up.

HE gets down in the dirt with me and encourages me to look closer.

HE shows who HE is without making me feel less than. HE reminds me of what HE made me to be and loves me to where I need to be…in HIM. HE does not make me feel like a religious nut. I do not feel or know what religion is when I am with HIM. I have a relationship with HIM, and I want others to know and have a relationship with HIM. I wish I could find the words to explain to people how good and beautiful I know God to be to me, but I feel like I fall short of that mission, especially when I am struggling with my own pains and imperfections. God does not stop being God just because people say and do the wrong things. We have the lust of the eyes, the lust of the flesh, and the pride of life to contend with (1st John 2:15-17, reference verse 16), and let me tell you that it is not easy to live blamelessly in the sight of God!!! If it were easy, EVERYONE would live a perfect life like Christ Jesus did and get into heaven. I know there are those who do not believe in heaven or hell or even in God, but for myself and for those who do believe, God has kept me here and kept this blog site alive just to tell you that God is and that HE rewards those who diligently seek HIM (Hebrews 11:6). Look closer. Magnify.

It is ironic how this year’s Baptist Vacation Bible School theme has shown up in this blog post. God really does have a way of working all things together for good to them that love HIM and are called according to HIS purpose (Romans 8:28).

Fellow Believers, sometimes when my flaws blind my sight of God in my situation, I doubt if I will see you in the Promised Land. In case my frustration with life’s woes keep me from entering the Promised Land, I beg you to just go on without me. Do not follow me. Follow Christ Jesus. HE is the One who saves, not I. I am just here as a witness, and I trust that you will go further and do better than I could have ever gone or done.

When asked about the legacy I want to leave for others, my answer was and still is, “I want people to believe in God, have faith, have a personal relationship with God, pray to HIM, and never give up on HIM because HE will not give up on us. No matter what it looks like, no matter what it feels like, trust in God.”

In relationship versus religion: My relationship with God brings to life what some might only see as a religious text so-called written by Man in an over-translated, mass-produced book. My relationship with God keeps me seeking HIM even when those who claim to know, love, and serve HIM throw me further into “church hurt.” My relationship with God puts me in my right mind and keeps me from blaming God for what sin and Satan have caused. My relationship with God makes me know that my faith is in HIM, not in the preacher. My relationship with God assures me that my part is to obey and keep God’s Word and Covenants and not renege on that to punish religious leaders and ministries that fall short of God’s Word and will. That is not punishing them anyway but punishing ourselves. My relationship with God keeps me getting back up after a fall because God is real, worth it, wants the best for me, and is excited to have me return to HIM. My relationship with God assures me that I have a parent in HIM when I feel I did not get what I needed or that I continue to not get what I need. My relationship with God comforts me and supports the belief that God, with all of Heaven, is celebrating me when I pass a test that others might downplay as minor or insignificant. My relationship with God helps me see the worth in pointing others to God even when it is not popular to believe in God. My relationship with God has me sitting alone in a room, praying and trusting HIM that everything will work out when believing such a thing in the midst of no physical proof makes me look like a fool or a crazy person to others. My relationship with God has me typing this blog post when I have wanted to give up on this so many times and save the money scraped together to maintain this site and web domain, that I pay for out of pocket and fill with content for free. My relationship with God keeps me reaching out for those who are looking for God when there are others who just show up here for gossip content and ammunition against me. My relationship with God helps me understand that church is not a place designated for the perfect but a place for the sick to find healing as well as a place for the spiritually strong to minister to those who are hurting and need godly counsel, guidance, and support. It is a meeting ground…both for those who are in search of God and for those who are in search of someone to bless…to look closer until relationship replaces religion and we all make it to…the Promised Land.

My relationship with God keeps me hoping that someone somewhere got something out of yet another vulnerable blog post to make my sacrifice worth it. This is for God and for the people looking for God. I hope you find HIM…In Relationship v. Religion.

Love Like This by Lauren Daigle

Bonus: Perhaps what I perceived as “the darkest of brownish, black dirt” was the most beautifully tilled, carefully weeded, and meticulously fertilized soil I had ever seen allowing hope to grow. I learned in a past season of Freedom In Christ Ministries Discipleship Program that when things seem to be falling apart, it could be God causing things to fall into place. Maybe that seemingly barren meadow was a field of discipleship God prepared in me by chopping, pulling, tilling, weeding, crushing, spreading, fertilizing, planting, and nurturing so that HIS harvest will manifest. My testimony means something to somebody. My suffering is not for nothing. Disappointment cannot exist where trust in God lives. Romans 10:11. I will pray for you, Fellow Believers. You, Fellow Believers, pray for me, and together, we will watch God change things.